The Rise of Self-harming

Ask any teacher or adolescent counselor what the most disturbing trend they are seeing in teens today is, and they are likely to tell you it’s the growing number of “cutters”.

By cutters, they mean people who hurt themselves or “self-injure” a term that is more encompassing of the many types of behaviors that are actually involved. Whatever the form of self-injury, cutting, burning, biting or any of many other similar behaviors, teens hurting themselves in an attempt to deal with emotional pain is on the rise.

Today it is thought that 1% of youth in America are engaging in self-harming behavior. And, while both males and females are self-harming, girls are four times more likely to self-harm than boys. This behavior, which has been around forever, but was noted only rarely in the past, is running
through peer-groups like a infectious disease; striking fear into the hearts of many parents. Parents often do not know what to make the behavior in their children

What causes a person to engage in self-harm is as varied as the number of people hurting themselves. One cutter that may express the sentiments of many put it this way," I cannot adequately describe in words my emotional state prior
to a cutting. The feelings are overwhelming–usually severe feelings of rejection, self-hatred or anger. Cutting presents a way to make the pain show (and be felt) on the *outside* where I can deal with it.” Frequently, as this person points out, self-harm is a coping strategy for dealing with emotional pain that has become intolerable.

Self-harm is not necessarily an attempt at suicide. Though one study found that half of students who engage in the behavior express thoughts of suicide, many professionals see the behavior as a maladaptive coping skill used to keep the person alive. Some would say that the longer the person engages in self-harming acts the less likely that they are attempts at suicide. Self-injury is nonetheless a dangerous behavior and one that can lead to unintentional death.

Identifying the person who is harming them self, may not always be easy. Frequently, the person cuts on areas that cannot be easily seen by others. They may wear long sleeve shirts and pants to cover up the scars. Some characteristics of people who are at risk for cutting include:

Low self-esteem extreme sensitivity to rejection high levels of anger suppress emotions impulsive depressed suffer chronic anxiety have been abused.

Many people who engage in self-harming do get better. There are a handful of inpatient programs around the country and an increasing number of therapists and programs treating self-harm on an outpatient basis. If your child is hurting her or himself, seek help.

© 2005, David Westbrook

David Westbrook is a freelance writer and the host of http://www.troubledteenresources.net/ a resource guide for parents.

You don’t always have to be even directly interacting with your teen in order to be involved in their world. Just being around the same influences they are, and taking an interest in their activities, lets them know that you care and that you understand what they deal with from day to day. Then later, at home, you can talk about the things you have experienced together. It’s a great way to connect. Here are some ways my teenage daughter and I have spent time together:

• My daughter was involved in a music group that did a lot of fundraising that required a lot of involvement by the parents. At first I was really resistant to the time involved, but I soon realized how much fun it was to hang out with my daughter and the other teens and their parents.

• School activities are another great way to be involved in your child’s life, at any age. When they’re younger there’s field trips, class parties, etc., you can be involved with, but when they get older there are activities like school plays that parents are a very important part of. I’ve helped sell tickets, worked at the bake sale…where I didn’t even spend time with my daughter at all, but it meant a lot to her that I was there supporting her.

• Attending sporting events is also important to your child. When they get older it seems like they don’t really care if you’re there or not, but it is important to them even if they don’t say so. It makes them feel like you care about what they do.

• Helping my daughter with school projects has been a great way for us to spend time together. She gets to do the hard part of doing all the research and writing, and then I do the fun part of helping her put it all together in the end. Even with older teens, most of them don’t particularly enjoy doing all this work by themselves, even if you know they’re completely capable of it. I don’t do the work for her, just help her by giving her feedback on her ideas and giving her a hand. Often beforehand even I will go to the library with her and help her sort through reference materials. I know it means a lot to her, especially when she’s doing a huge project and is completely overwhelmed.

• Another way I’ve been involved with my daughter is to be a youth leader in her church youth group. Again, I am not actually spending time with her there most of the time, but I am experiencing the same things she’s experiencing and it’s giving us something in common that we can both relate to and discuss. Those times together have been very meaningful.

As you can see, not all of these activities involve me actually talking to and hanging out with my daughter. You know as well as I do that our teens don’t always want us hanging around them. I’m happy for the time I do get to spend with my daughter, for the little time I have left with her. When we have things in common my daughter is much more likely to talk to me and share her feelings with me. When I don’t know what she experiences, it is very hard for me to relate what she is going through. These shared experiences have opened up many more opportunities for us to share and connect that we wouldn’t otherwise have.

About The Author

Rachel Paxton is a freelance writer and mom of four. For more
inspirational articles and tips for everyday living, visit her
web sites at http://www.creativehomemaking.com and
http://www.christian-parent.com

The 4 D’s of Time with Family

How would you like to have more time? Of course we all want more time. There are just two problems: 1. We can’t add more hours to the day; 2. Even if we could add more hours, we would just fill them up with the same stress we have now.

What we can do is use our time differently. And I don’t mean buy a new schedule planner. Adapted from the work of Stephen Covey and Anthony Robbins, here are some skills for creating more time in your life and some suggestions for what to do with the time.

Distraction. Distractors are ways we use our time that are not urgent and not important. Some might call it recreation. Exercising, playing a sport, taking a walk, reading a book, watching TV or playing solitaire on your computer are all ways of distracting ourselves from the stress in our lives.

And we all need some distraction in our lives. The problem is that many of us spend far too much time in distraction that could be spent on more life-giving activities.

Delusion. No, I’m not talking about seeing little aliens or believing you are Napoleon. Delusions are the activities in our lives that we make urgent, but really aren’t important. Many people get hooked on the thrill of urgency and then run around doing lots of unimportant things.

Demands. Now we are looking at the things that are both urgent and important. An important deadline, the car breaking down, a child sick at school – all are urgent and important.

The time-draining kind of demands that nag at most of us are usually brought on by that old time enemy called procrastination. The next time you find yourself tempted to procrastinate, here’s what you do: just put it off. That’s right, just say to yourself, I’ll procrastinate later, right now I’ll get it done.

Destiny. These are the things that may not be urgent but are tremendously important: spending time with family and friends, taking time to relax, building and growing important relationships, planning for the future. These are the things that shape our destiny.

Consider how much time you spend on distractions, delusions and demands. How might your life be different if you spent that time on things that shape your destiny?

Here’s one simple yet powerful suggestion I recently heard. Think of it this way: In a child’s mind, what is the most important thing they do in a day? Play. In a child’s mind, who are the most important people in life? Mom and Dad.

So when we as parents (the most important people in their lives) play with them (the most important activity in their lives), children know that they are important and loved. Not a bad way to spend your time.

For more tips and tools for thriving during the teenage years, visit parenting coach Jeff Herring’s ParentingYourTeenager.com

The question I often get goes something like this:

“We want to know where our 16-year-old son is going to be, and who he is with. He makes it sound as if we are the most out-of-it parents, and that it is abusively embarrassing to him that we want to know what he and his friends are doing. Are we being fair?”

You have the right, need and obligation to know all these things, and more. I believe that every parent of a teen has the right to know and the crucial need to know several pieces of information that I call the W’s.

These crucial W’s are:

1) Who they are spending time with. One of the most powerful forces in the life of a teen is influence: of parents, media, culture and especially friends.

With friends, it’s not the question of can your children be influenced, but how they will be influenced. We have come to use the cliche of peer pressure, but this is really about influence.

One of the clearest warning signs of problems is when a teen has two sets of friends _ one that the parents know, and one the parents have never seen and your kid does not want you to see.

Your teen does not want you to see them for a reason, and it’s not a good one. A good rule of thumb is that your teen is not allowed to go anywhere with someone you have not at least met. Another simple but little-used strategy is to know the parents of your teen’s friends. Also, if you can make your home the hub of his or her circle of friends, where lots of activity takes place or at least begins, you have a good thing going.

2) What they are going to be doing. “But Mom, (stretched into a two or three syllable word) we don’t know what we are going to be doing!” Possible answers _ “Well, you’ll need to know the answer, and then I’ll need to know the answer before you can go” or “That’s fine for now, when you decide you must let me know.”

Another one you will hear is “But everyone else gets to do it!” This is one the Top 10 things never to believe. It’s just not true. Everyone else does not get to do it. And even if they did, you as a parent still have the right to say no.

3) Where they are going. The what and the where go together, and the same rules apply. Watch out for the scam where Billy tells his parents that he is going to Bobby’s house, and Bobby tells his parents he is going to Billy’s house. This one can be easily handled and checked on when you know the parents of your teen’s friends.

4) When will they be back. This brings up the pleasant issue of curfew. The dilemma: Parents want kids home at a certain time, kids want to stay out later.

I’ve never encountered the situation where a kid wanted his curfew to be earlier. Solution: The parents pick a curfew time. Notice I said the parents and not the parents and kids. This one begins with the parents, and then it’s up to the kids to earn more.

While we are at it, let’s define late. Late is late, and 10 p.m. is 10 p.m., unless there is something major that is unavoidable. If you consistently make 10:10 acceptable and not late, you send the message that the rules don’t really count, and you foster more and more lateness, not to mention giving up your power as a parent.

If the curfew is kept for three months, an additional 15 minutes is added. If they are late during the three months, the three-month earning period starts over from that point.

This model represents the real world where privileges are not just given but earned based on performance.

I’ve seen more than one family make this a very smooth process by requiring that a small form be filled out, answering all the W’s before a request to go out is even considered.

Now, a word of warning:

Your teens will not like this. That’s OK because that is not the point. The point is to teach responsibility and other things about the real world, and make this labor-intensive job of parenting a teen just a little less stressful.

While requiring your teens to obey the W’s may not be easy, it sure can help you to avoid some other loathsome W’s, such as: Waiting up until the Wee hours of the morning, Wondering and Worrying.

Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our free 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.

…and Whose Job is It?

"How many times do I have to tell you to clean your room?"
Why should a child keep his room neat? Many children say they don’t care whether it is neat or dirty, so why should it matter to anyone else? Unless it is a health or safety hazard, or things are getting lost and broken? Then comes the age old question, "What is neat?" The answer certainly differs with a ten year old child and a thirty five year old Mom. Who is setting the standard of how clean a room must be to be acceptable.

What constitutes a neat and tidy room may not seem like such a big deal, but it represents a microcosm of how the family works together and how personal responsibility is taught and learned. Even though your child picks up his shoes without being reminded and turns in his homework assignments, it won’t guarantee his success in life. It will, however, go far to help him to develop the characteristics and attributes that employers and mates look for.

In the next few minutes, as you read this article, you will find two different and distinct components of responsibility: outward and inward.

1. Outward responsibility deals with everyday life skills such as doing chores, cleaning the room, doing assigned chores, brushing teeth, returning videos on time, and feeding the dog. Each family has its own list of what they consider important, so we will not discuss particular tasks. Rather, we want you to focus on nurturing a positive attitude and good habits in your children – habits that will help them to be productive and reliable.

If your child has the responsibility to clean his room and you clean it for him, he has learned a valuable lesson. He has learned that if he stalls long enough or whines convincingly enough that you will step in. He has no "ownership" of the task. It is not really his job, it is yours and you occasionally get him to do it.

2. Inward responsibility deals with attitudes, beliefs, and values. Being inwardly responsible means admitting mistakes, treating others as you would like to be treated, being unselfish, and caring about other people’s health, property and feelings. We frequently get bogged down with the frustration of dirty rooms and forget about more important factors like inward motivation.

Effective discipline and mindful parenting is setting reasonable limits on our children at different developmental stages but giving them choices so they can learn to form their own opinions.

Our goal is to help them become self-disciplined and to learn to think and problem solve without asking or being told what to do in every situation.

Aptitude and competence or the ability to accomplish a task is not nearly as important and vital to a happy life as attitude and confidence. This is the area where we help our children build self-esteem, problem solving skills, a can-do outlook, and positive expectations toward life.

What does it mean to teach your children responsibility?

All parents have a different answer and a different expectation of when and how their children will assume personal responsibility. Responsibility must be taught. It is not a natural skill, but it can be learned at any age. You do not become responsible when you are mature; rather, you become mature when you are responsible. There are four variables in this exciting venture:

1. Your child (learning style, age, motor skills, interest, hot buttons or incentives)

2. Your expectations (perfection or ever-learning; Being kind and firm in discipline)

3. Your example and how you model ‘assuming personal responsibility’ for your choices (use the four R’s: Recognize, Remorse, Restitution, and Resolve to correct mistakes)

4. Consistency and follow-through (natural and logical consequences)

Focus on the learning experience, not the finished product

In teaching your children to assume personal responsibility focus your attention on the learning experience, not on the finished product. It is the process that is most important. Constantly remind yourself that you are a teacher and your subject matter is life skills. A good affirmation to repeat to yourself is one that comes from Dr. Wayne Dyer, "I will be as helpful as I can in assisting my children to help themselves."

A cooperative environment is one where everyone in the family wins; there are no losers. By learning to support and assist each other in small daily tasks, we set the stage for encouragement and a willingness to become self-reliant.

Good luck. As a word of encouragement, I have to tell you that, of our grown children, the ones who were the messiest as kids are the neatest as adults! Hang in there; there is hope for the future.

Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator © 2005 www.ArtichokePress.com

This article has been written by Judy H. Wright, a parent educator and PBS consultant. You will find a full listing of books, tele-classes, and workshops listed at www.ArtichokePress.com. She may be contacted at 406-549-9813 or JudyWright@ArtichokePress.com